Vampire Tracker Part 7 #fridayflash #tuesdayserial #samplesunday

 
I couldn’t decide on which viewpoint I wanted to post. I’ve been using Vella’s POV in the Vampire Tracker series, but I wanted to play around with Seth’s POV. Not sure if I should one or the other, or combine them. I’d love to hear what you think. I kept them short, under 600 words, to make it faster to read.
 

 Vampire Tracker Part 7

Vella

     The guard released my hand, I took a step back. His eyes never left me, mine darted to the doorway. I could see the creature pacing back and forth in the other room. The smell of it was horendous. Automatically I place my hand over my nose. How can he live with that thing?

The guard turned. “Lucille, release the spell on our other visitor and bring him to me.”

Lucille? That thing has a name? “What have you done with Jeremy?”

“He has not been harmed Amisi.”

“My name is…Vella, not…Amisi.” Why does Amisi sound familiar? The dream.

“It may not be in this life, but in another it was Amisi. I have been waiting hundreds of years for you.”

     I took a step backward, my foot rolled onto the flashlight. I started to tumble to the floor. In one swift movement he caught me. His body was cold, he took a deep breath. Oh god, is he going to bite me? He set me upright and I scrambled to the edge of the room.

“I will not harm you.”

Yeah right. “I don’t believe you.”

 He picked up the cartouche from the floor and held it out to me. “You should. You came searching for me remember. Your craving to understand my kind is more than some childhood fascination. This is yours, I have been saving it for you.”

     I took a couple of steps forward, grabbed the cartouche and then backed up against the wall. I traced over the hieroglyphs, something did seem familiar about them, but what? Maybe this vamp is yanking my chain, trying to glamour me or something.

“What the hell is this? I can’t read Egyptian.” Or can I? “This means nothing to me, nothing.”

“It meant a lot to your father.”

“How many freakin’ times do I have to tell you, I’m not Amisi.”

     He sighed, his face looked worried. Good, I need to let this guy know I’m in charge. Why isn’t that thing back with Jeremy?

“What’s that thing?”

“That thing is my wife.”

What the hell? “Your wife?”

Sadness lingered in his eyes. “It used to be my wife, but a few years after I changed her, she turneded into…”

“That’s disgusting. What kind of vampire are you anyway?” This dude is no vampire.

“The Queen called us her First Borns.”

I burst out laughing. “That’s a good one. First Borns, what a crock. Anne Rice wrote nothing about that. You’re no vampire. Vampires don’t live in dirt caves, they don’t sleep on beds and they don’t change people into nasty smelling creatures.”

     With a wave of his hand several candles hidden in the walls flickered to life. His face scrunched, his body pulsed and his fangs grew. Holy shit, this guy is a vampire!

“Do not test me, Amisi, daughter of Omar. I threatened to kill you once before and will do so again if I have to, I have years to wait.”

Ok, I need to play along with this dudes demented take on reality. “Moment’s ago, I remembered something, but it’s like a foggy dream.”

“It was no dream. I was there when you came to rescue your father. He gave you the ankh ring, marked your thumb and sent you away.”

I looked at my thumb and traced over the dried blood. Images of the desert, of the Queen, of Omar flashed through my mind. It all felt so heartbreakingly real. “I remember.” A part of me wanted to believe. “How could that have been me?”

***

Vampire Tracker Part 7

Seth

     I couldn’t believe it. After years of searching, of thinking Omar’s vision had been wrong, here she was right in front of me. She had found me just as he predicted. Amisi. Lucille paced back and forth in the room behind me, her agitation growing with every second that passed. Her stench wafted into the room.

“Lucille, release the spell on our other visitor and bring him to me.”

     I turned to face Amisi, she looked at me defiantly. Yes, this is her.

“What the hell have you done to Jeremy?”

“He has not been harmed Amisi.”

“My name is…Vella, not…Amisi.” Her brows furrowed with confusion. She questions herself, she knows.

“It may be in this life, but in another it was Amisi. I have been waiting hundreds of years for you.”

     I released my grip. She took a step backward, her foot rolled on the flashlight and she started to tumble to the floor. In one swift movement I caught her. Her body tensed under my grip, her flesh warm, the smell of her blood intoxicating. My fangs trembled beneath my lips. No, I must resist. I promised Omar I’d protect her. I set her upright and she scrambled away from me.

“I will not harm you.” “I don’t believe you.”

I picked up the cartouche from the floor and held it out to her. “You should. You came searching for me remember. Your craving to understand my kind is more than some childhood fascination. This is yours, I have been saving it for you.”

     She took a couple of steps forward, grabbed the cartouche and then backed up against the wall. With her index finger she traced over the words her father centuries before had carved. Will she remember?

“What the hell is this? I can’t read Egyptian.” Her eyes widened, her expression full of angst. “This means nothing to me, nothing.”

“It meant a lot to your father.”

“How many freakin’ times do I have to tell you, I’m not Amisi.”

     Omar said she would resist, just like she did before. His words echo in my mind as if he said them yesterday, ‘Find her, make her see her destiny Seth.’ I must inform Natalia and Degare.

“What is that thing?”

“That thing is my wife.”

Her faced scrunched up, repulsed. “Your wife?”

Poor, dear Lucille. “It used to be my wife, but a few years after I changed her, she turned into…” She was gone to me, no remnant of my wife remained, only beast.

“That’s disgusting. What kind of vampire are you anyway?”

“The Queen called us her First Borns.”

She burst out laughing. “First Borns, what a crock. You’re no vampire. Vampires don’t live in dirt caves, they don’t sleep on beds and they don’t change people into nasty smelling creatures.”

With a wave of my hand I lit the candles on the walls and showed her my fangs. “Do not test me, Amisi, daughter of Omar. I threatened to kill you once before and will do so again if I have to, I have years to wait.”

She recoiled, her voice soft. “Moments ago, I remember something, but it’s like a foggy dream.”

“It was no dream. I was there when you came to rescue your father. He gave you the ankh ring, marked your thumb and sent you away.”

She looked at her thumb and traced over the dried blood. “I remember.” She looked at me, eyes pleading for answers. “How could that have been me?”

***

This flash fiction is part of a vampire series for #FridayFlash. 

Follow the links below to read more.

Vella and Jeremy Vampire Tracker Part 1

Vella and Jeremy Vampire Tracker Part 2

Vella and Jeremy Vampire Tracker Part 3

Vella and Jeremy Vampire Tracker Part 4

Vella and Jeremy Vampire Tracker Part 5

Vella and Jeremy Vampire Tracker Part 6

Ammon The Moon Flute Player The Cliff Dwelling Part 2

Lis, Andrew and the Flute Player The Cliff Dwelling Part 1

Lis Desert Vampires  

Natalia Vampire Natalia Searches the Jungle

AndrewVampires in the Jungle 

Veronique Vampires at the Moulin Rouge 

Veronique and Natalia Snow in Paris

Natalia Confession of the Vampire Natalia

Vampires ~ Flash Fiction ~ #FridayFlash

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. I think I liked the tone of Seth’s POV. It was a better way to view her and still tell her story, a better way for her to get to know herself.

    Vella’s POV reads almost like first person and I didn’t get the full flavor of Lucille or Seth’s intentions.

    I will wait patiently for the next installment 🙂

  2. clarbojahn says:

    I agree with the above comment. I think it’s more interesting to read Seth’s take on things. We don’t hear enough about a monsters Point of view. Don’t use both though. Unless it’s to change from chapter to chapter, each having their POV in the chapter.

    1. laradunning says:

      @clarbojahn
      @ramblingsfromtheleft
      @stevengreen
      I like his POV as I’ve used it with the other characters that will soon surface in this series. But, as a collective I’m not sure how I should mix this up and what voice should be prominant over the others. Vella, Ammon and Natalia are really the prime characters in this series, with Degare, Seth, Liz, Andrew and Veronique as side characters. I’ve got to determine how this will all flow together as my goal is to have my flash series by the end of the year be a good part of a book.

  3. John Wiswell says:

    I snorted at: “What’s that thing?”

    “That thing is my wife.”

    Interesting double-feature approach, Lara.

  4. Steve Green says:

    Although both versions are very similar, I too preferred Seth’s POV, I think the switch to the monster’s perspective works very well.

  5. Chuck Allen says:

    Wow. Am I the only one thus far that preferred Vella’s voice? They were both great, though.

    And you’ve moved the story along so well again, still leaving lots of mystery about what is going on. I’m loving it!

    1. laradunning says:

      Thanks for commenting Chuck!

  6. Hi there Lara —

    Still interesting finding out where this is going. Liked the wife, and the Anne Rice ref. Go Vella 🙂

    Though both POV’s work, I prefer Vella’s. While it can be a rush to find out what’s going on in the mind of the opposition, I’d say you’re in danger of taking away from the tension here — once in their head, a lot of the mystery goes. The ‘wanting to know’ what they’re thinking or planning is a big part of the tension. Perhaps this isn’t a time to give the reader what they want?

    Also, everything has been in Vella’s POV so far, so I’m not sure how the change of POV reads. i.e, it could feel a little thrown in as we haven’t been visiting other POVs right from the start. POV changes are most often done at a chapter change, and while you’re contemplating this in a new section, the sections are quite short and often read as a continuation of the previous scene. Taking all the sections together, does this fall on a new chapter or its functional equivalent?

    Other than that, as the facts are mirrored across both pieces, and the dialogue, I definitely wouldn’t do both.

    I noticed in both version that the guard said “He has not be harmed Amisi.” Should that be been? Or is it a stylistic choice?

    The above, IMHO.

    St.

  7. Aidan Fritz says:

    I found both versions to be very similar. I liked the subtle sense that Seth was reading Vella’s mind in the first one. The only thing that I really saw by reading Seth’s viewpoint was the hint to “Natalia and Degare” and therefore, it didn’t seem entirely necessary. Therefore, I preferred Vella’s viewpoint since I see these as a cohesive story (of course, I may be biased since I’ve gotten behind and only now caught up.)

    1. laradunning says:

      @Aidan Fritz
      @Stephen Hewitt
      That is part of my delima. The entire POV for Vampire Tracker has been through Vella’s voice. I’m not sure straying away from that benefits it or not. It might confuse it more. I like Seth’s POV, because I can get into his head like I did with the other vampires that are all part of this story. I guess I need to really decide how I want to take this if this will all be in Vella’s voice, or if there will be dedicated chapters to other characters. Which thus far, I have done that with the others.

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